We’ve all heard of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I used to think that was a really useful way to kind of think about things. Treating other people the way you want to be treated makes sense, at least on paper. But I, like many of you, have been on a healing journey these last couple of years, really questioning who I am and what I actually want out of life. What I came to find is that this Golden Rule doesn’t quite fit anymore. Especially when, like many of my clients, you have been dealing with trauma throughout your life.
Trauma has this way of rooting you to the past and keeping you away from who you are in the present moment. So treating other people the way you want to be treated is cool…unless you are held in the past, looking to be treated the way you used to be treated. In the present moment, you may start to treat people how you used to want to be treated. You may also start to realize, “Wow, other people are treating me the way I used to want to be treated, not the way I want to be treated anymore.” It’s almost like you are trying to show others a mask of who you used to be, not who you actually are in the present and The Golden Rule starts to actually hinder your healing process.
So, how do we begin to heal from this? It starts with flipping the Golden Rule, “Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.” I tell a lot of my clients (and myself), “Hey, you actually should be a little bit more selfish.” I don’t mean selfish in a bad way; not in an asshole way where you always get what you want over other people’s wants and needs. But in a way that allows you to focus on who you are, what you actually want, and how you treat yourself. Do you treat yourself with respect, for example, instead of treating other people with respect and then not respecting yourself? You need to give others an example of what it is like to be respected, to make yourself worthy of respect in the first place, and then teach them what that is like.
I see in my clients that trauma has a way of routing them in the past and preventing them from expressing their own individual needs, wants and desires. So think about it this way: How do you actually want to be treated by yourself? Are you getting to bed on time? Are you eating the right way for your own metabolic needs? Are you taking care of yourself with basic workouts and stretching so that you can take care of others? Are you becoming an example of how other people should treat themselves? If you have trouble with answering these types of questions and you have had trauma in your past, I am telling you, it is okay to be a little tiny bit selfish at first. Figure out who you are now and what you want. Start treating yourself that way first, as an example to other people. Then, you may find, this new Golden Rule for people with trauma makes a lot of sense.
If you have experienced trauma, big or small, and can feel yourself rooted in a past version of yourself, just know that you are not alone. I would love to help you work through it. A great place to start is with my trauma healing course, Healing (e)Motions: Trauma Release Exercises for People with Stress, which will walk you through simple, somatic exercises you can start incorporating now. You can also reach out for 1-on-1 coaching here.